Sigh…

I’m feeling so low, so empty, it’s killing me.

I thought things would get better, things would change, but they haven’t.

I don’t know what I’m looking for anymore. I don’t know what I want. I am at yet another crossroad in my life. On one hand, I really want to stay back, stay here and live the life that I’ve always wanted to. On the other hand, I wanna go back, get a job, earn a decent amount, and support my family in some way or the other. Not that they expect me to do that, or really want me to. But, I want to. I feel I need to. It only makes sense. I’ve literally splurged with every bit of my dad’s hard earned money, it only seems right to do this right now.

Thing’s seem to have changed here, or maybe its just me. I keep expecting a lot when I come here. But…I don’t know, I guess its just me. To make things worse, I really miss PI. He was the second person I spoke to, after BFF Ri that is. He was at the movies. We spoke for less than a minute. He had said he would call me later. That never happened. Four days have passed, and I haven’t heard from him even once. Its the weekend, he must be busy, with his friends, girlfriend, other things that are obviously more important. But its killing me. I’m so used to hearind my phone ringing, playing “Iris” by Goo Goo Dolls, often when I’m here that, when it doesnt happen, I feel so lost. Like I have no purpose anymore, like I have nothing to look forward to…..

I’ve been reading the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer lately. I fell in LOVE with the movie. Had to get the books. Started reading the first one last night, now I’ve reached the second book – New Moon. I think I may just finish all four of them in four days flat. Read these books have pulled me down so much that my mom’s started noticing it. Not a good sign, but I just have to finish them.

The thought of not having anything to do after I finish these books is scaring me.

Time alone, time to think, has never done me any good…

…

I only come back here when something goes wrong…Its the same reason this time as well.

Yesterday was PI’s birthday. He turned 28 yesterday. He doesn’t celebrate his birthday anymore. Since his mom passed away that’s one of the many things he stopped. 

I’ve known that for the past 5 years. But yesterday at 12 am I left him a message to wish him. I got delivered much later. Guess he had switched off his phone. At aroudn 8 the same evening I called him up. He cut my call. I called back after a while thinking he would have been busy then. He picked up we spoke for 46 seconds. He ended the call thanking me.

I spoke to him online a while back. He went to tell me that I didn’t have to call and asked me if I knew that he doesn’t celebrate anymore and also that his girlfriend was surprised to see him pick up my call when he usually doesnt pick up calls on his birthday. 

I didn’t call him to go against something he believed in. It was his birthday and I just wanted to talk. It had been a while since I last spoke to him on the phone. I just wanted to talk. Birthday was a good reason.

But I think I upset him. And that hurts. The last thing I wanted to do was pull someone down on their birthday. Especially him.

How I wish everything weren’t so complicated.

A lil update…

Besides having exams there has been a lot of other little things going on..

Ethics and all that jazz!

Its exam time for me. I’ve been trying to do a little bit of studying in the two weeks off before I do all the last minute cramming before the exams. We have Business Ethics this time among others and I came across something that got me thinking.

Almost a year back, PI put down his papers at work, on ethical grounds. There was an issue regarding another person, he felt that person was wrongly accused, voiced his opinion in front of top management. They refused to take back what they had done and believed they were right. He couldn’t get himself to continue to work there, so he put down his papers. Mind you, he was good at what he did, a valued employee, at the verge of a big promotion, but nothing would change his mind.

My first reaction when I heard this, ” Are you crazy?!?!?”. Okay, that was more in my head than out in words. I guess with time I got where this came from, knowing him, I’m not surprised he did something like this. I even got to a point where I actually thought he was really courageous to stand up for what he believed in and do something as drastic as this.

My Ethics text book put things into percpective for me.

Areas of Influence/Authority and Areas of Interest. Yep, as simple as that! Areas of Influnce or Authority are those areas in which you have actual control over whereas Areas of interest is as it says the area of interest that you do not have control over. When it comes to ethical issues within your area of influence/authority you can make sure that the problems are handled keeping in mind ethics to your fullest ability. And when it comes to issues in your area interest, there is not much you can do, it is out of your control. The least you can do is report an issue to higher authorities and hope they take actions keeping in mind the ethical aspect, but more often than not what you want is not what you will get. Trying to change things that out of your control or reach can only lead to frustration and taking a drastic step as putting down your papers, is just plain stupid.

Okay, maybe that is a bit too harsh. But really, in todays world the most you can do is to make sure that you conduct your self and everything under your control ethically, and hopefully it will rub off on others. Hopefully.

Who do you blame?

How many of us can actually say that our parents know every aspect of our lives? Not many, I’m sure ! From a certain age onwards, we all start leading double lives, probably because we start thinking our parents wouldn’t understand, succumbing to peer pressure and so on.

At times, some of us go astray (I’m leaving it up to you to decided what “going astray” means to you) and start attracting all kinds of attention. And by attention I mean the bad kind, where people start talking about you and what you do or believe in. You see, people are not a big fan of anything that deviates from their point of view on what is right and what is wrong. If someone does, well, people start talking.

Now, usually we expect older people doing all this kinda of talking, you know, people from a different generation and all that. But more often than not it is your peers and friends, people who are not very different from you. It is easy to find fault when it is someone else at the receiving end and not you.

But my problem is not all of this, people have a right to talk, they do, but the problem arises when they blame an individual’s upbringing and parents when they see someone going astray!

Parents! Really? Are they to be blamed? Parent who have spent all their time and energy in bringing up their children with the right values and beliefs? Is it really their fault if after years of nurturing and bringing up their child, the child decides to take another path? Parents can’t always keep an eye on what their child is upto after a certain age. It is just not possible. 

So is it really always right to blame the parents for how the child turns out to be?

150 Rials !

That’s the amount I made on my part-time job, which i got yesterday! Yay! 150 Rials ! Which is like 20,210.17 Indian Rupees…double yay ! :D I don’t know what to do with all that money though, which is actually not as much as it sounds! :P

The more that I think of it the more I realise that my one month at work has actually taught me quite a bit, without me even realising it. The actual work I was doing was extremely mechanical, so I haven’t gained much in that respect, but I have got a real idea about how things actually work in a corporate environment ! I have  not had any prior work experience and I wouldn’t even call this work ex, but it has helped in ways I cant put to words !

Its actually a nice feeling, having your own money, I’m kinda looking forward to working once I finish with MBA now, that’s if I get a job in the current economic situation!

Bah!

I have a post lying in Drafts that I started a few days back. I was trying my hand at writing something positive for change…It didn’t work out! No matter how much I try to be optimistic there is always something to pull me down!

Some Randomness…

• I’ve been so busy lately, I don’t have time to think..

:(

I miss him so much…

A little surprise…

A few days back, in this post I had linked a post from my previous blog…

Some excerpts from that post…

My life has revolved around the internet for the past 8years or so. I’ve met a lot of great people through this. What started in chatrooms and ICQ , with time, turned to phone calls and occasional meetings.

…..

AB- The poet from Whitehorse. The school drop out. A person who introduced me to different kinds of music, to Iris by Goo Goo Dolls and Porcelain by Moby….songs that are still my favorites. The MUD addict! Our virtual world of glass houses under water, the endless hot chocolate drinks, the beach houses and so much more…

Last night out of utter boredom I ended up searching for some of the people I had mentioned in that post more specifically for AB. For some odd reason I just couldn’t remember how his surname was spelt and none of the profile that ended up in the search results looked familiar. I almost gave up, before I remembered that there was this name he used often. A name he had come up with, unique to him. And lo and behold, there he was.

But there was a problem, his profile didn’t have a picture, so I assumed he was not very active on facebook but I sent him a friend request anyways and also left a message along with it. I was not expecting anything so I happily moved on to doing some other random stuff.

Before I went to sleep, out of habit I checked my mail, orkut and facebook, and I see one message in my inbox. It was AB. He remembered me. ME! Yay !! I really didn’t think he would respond or even actually remember me. Last I spoke to him was a good 6 years back. We exchanged a few mail on facebook before he asked me to add him on messenger.

I’ve been chatting with him for a while now. It was a little awkward initially but the conversation has started flowing…slowly..but steadily…

I’m a happy person today…today :)