Looks like everyone is doing the end of year/ decade post and this got me thinking. The last decade has been interesting to say the least. And I’ve decided to jot down some milestones of each year…or atleast what I remember now…

• Year 2000 – Life was good, I had a good group of friends and school life was amazing. I remembering bawling my eyes out with friends when we realised that next school year we would all be in different classes… :)  Also the year AB happened :)
• Year 2001 - New year, new friends, one year of spending every minute in school with two crazy boys. The singing, the band, the special assemblies and events, the first late night parties and other late night thrills. But also the beginning of a major low phase.
• Year 2002- First major milestone in one’s academic life. At the high points of my low phase. 1st of many failures. Looking back, I’m so glad my parents were there to pull me through that year.
• Year 2003 – 2004 - At my lowest lows. These two years taught me life’s most important lesson. My first encounter with accidents, death and major ailments. Met some great people, my virtual support group. Unfortunately I’ve lost touch with almost all of them… Also the year PI happened.
• Year 2004 – 2007- At yet another new phase though the year started off at a low note, things picked up eventually. Met some amazing people, most of whom I’m still in touch with. Made my first major decision during this period, a decision which I’m still not sure was right or wrong. Also the year I had the first major fallout with Former BFF.
• Year 2007-2009- Another major low phase. Never felt so weak and helpless ever before. The most vulnerable phase. The time I lost belief in all things good and nice. Probably the period during which I was most active on this blog. All I could think of doing was post, vent, reach out to people, seek advice, update and document every detail online.
• Year 2009 to Present- New Year ’09 was a mixed bag. Learnt some important lessons this year. Made a conscious choice to remove all negativity from my life. Started working two months back. I am so glad I didn’t take the jobs I was offered before this one. Really enjoying the work I’m doing now, learning a lot and I know this kind of experience is going to do me good.

I don’t know what the next year is going to bring forward, I don’t know where I am going to be, what I’m going to be doing, who my friends are gonna be or anything of that sort. But somehow, this time around, I am at peace with this fact. Acceptance is key, and I have definitely learned to accept that things are bound to change, not everything will happen as you want, but life is good…life is really good…and i’m gonna cherish every minute of it.

:)

Watching the movie made me miss my life back in Bangalore! I had a life there, friends, people I could hang out with, have good meaningful conversations with, people who got me, if not entirely, but at least so some small extent, people who cared. Here, I have no life, my social life is non-existent.

I miss my life and my independence. I miss being able to go where I want and when I want. I miss Bangalore. I remember telling a someone a while back that I had gotten bored of Bangalore and that next time I settle down in India,  I would prefer going to some new place, start from scratch! But when I think about it know, all I wanna do is go back there and live that life I had.

I want to go to Koshy’s , drink, eat and have long conversations with friends, I want to go to the Indian Coffee house (which shut down recently :( ) and have the coffee and cutlets, go to Blossoms Book House and spend hours there with books. I miss walking through Brigade road, the auto rides, the weather, the rains, shopping in Commercial street, eating from road side food stalls….

I could go on, but its pointless…I wish things would turn around for the better, and soon…

Yesterday I was talking to my friend of almost 17 years. I’ve known her forever and she was my “fat buddy”. We were always the chubby ones in school. Unlike my family, her’s was always on the heavier said which was probably why she was always a little “bigger” than I was. I didn’t ever make any difference to me…until yesterday.

My fat buddy finally started working out and has lost a lot of weight and now is 12 kgs lighter than. And this has left me feeling horrible about myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely happy for her. It was about time she took matters into her hand and did something about the weight problem. But what bothers me is that, I let myself get this far. I was her present weight a year back, had lost around 13kgs to get there. But with so much going on the personal front, I quit the gym and before I knew it, I was back to square one.

I’ve been hiting the gym again. Its been three weeks now and instead of loosing weight, I’ve put on like 0.6kgs! And the worst part is, I hate going to the gym. I have no driver or motivation. Looking back, it was quite easy loosing those 13 kilos then. I was going through a lot on the personal front and I had weird sleep and food patterns, hardly ate, lost my appetite completely. But now, nothing like that. I cant get myself to eat any else. I have 3meals and a snack everyday. I don’t know what to do…

To make things worse, today I went for interview #4. And I was questionned about everything I was hoping I wouldn’t be. This reminded me about a post I had written a while back where I had said…

10th grade was an eye opener.

12th grade was a disaster.

Bachelor’s was a comprise.

Masters, a big step, one which I took too hastily and without much thought.

I remember thinking to myself that I hope the decisions I had taken would never work against me. Now I realise that it has been working against me all this while, I only needed someone to come and tell me that to my face to pt things into  percpective.

With the educational background I have along with the fact that I do not drive is totally working against me. I don’t know how long it is going to take for me to actually figure out what I am supposed to be doing with my life…

But it was decided that I would not take up this job. As much as I would like to blame someoene else for this decision, I was very much part of it. But the decision had been made, its been two days since then and I have just about accepted it when someone came along ruined the whole damn thing!!!

Mom was talkin to her sister today and she went on to say that we were crazy for not talking up the job and that people took up jobs in such situations all the time and that it was no big deal. That was a conversation between mom and aunt but mommy dearest made it a point to mention it to me!! I’ve been feeling so low since then.

I hate being unemployed !!!!!!

I’ve gone for three interviews so far. All three very different. I always make it a point that I go prepared. If nothing else, I make sure I know everything I need to about the company. The first interview was a disaster, not because I screwed up, he didn’t give me much of a chance actually. I went there expecting nothing, for a job I was not really into but really didn’t care since I need to do something and the experience will do me good. This guy who interviewed me was a malayalee.Unfortunately. Well it should have not been unfortunately ’cause he should have really helped me out but this time around it really worked to my disadvantage. He did the whole interview in Malayalam!!! In MALAYALAM!!!! I couldn’t understand half the things he said, he used such big words!! It was a good thing I didn’t have to do a lot of talking. He did everything possible to discourage me from taking up the job…and it worked wonders on me!! I know!!! I’m pathetic! Hahaha. And that was that.

Interview number two and three were on the same day. #2 was at a reputed company, I had big hopes on this one. It was a company I wanted to work with. The interview went well, it was actually like how an interview should be and how I expected it to me. And he offered me the job. Yay! But there was a catch, I have to travel to the other side of the city to get to this company and having no driving license yet meaning I’m gonna have to arrange for transport = pay bug bucks. And the salary is quite low to say the least. *Sigh*

And then came #3. I wasn’t expecting much from it. The company is not that well known. I somehow did not like the vibes of the place! The guy who took my interview did almost all of the talking. I practically know more than I should about the company now. He had some kind of speech problem and spoke very softly. I had to concentrate real hard to understand what he was saying when I really didn’t want to. It was super boring!!

Surprisingly, these interviews have actually taught me quite a bit about myself. I think people who talk a lot intimidate me. When people start talking and keep on doing all the talking, it makes me all introverted and shy. Crazy!! I know! But that’s just me I guess. Both interview #1 and#3 made me feel so conscious and must so much pressure on me even though i didn’t have to say much or anything. But interview #2, I felt confident, he did the talking when required and I did the talking when required. And I’m sure I didn’t sound like someone who was introverted!!

Anyways, that’s that. I should be deciding by tomorrow if I am going to take the job at #2. Need to work out some minor details and then a decision will be made!

###Update:- Looks like I’m gonna be unemployed for a while! Didn’t take up the job at #2…

I’ve gotten used to this routine, this routine of not having anything to do.

Two days back…I had one of those full circle moments. Karma, thats what its called. And for once I am not the one at the receiving end of something bad. Its been a while since I last posted about college and my so called friends. I don’t want to get into all those boring details about what exactly happened. But must say one thing, when I heard about what happened, I couldn’t stop grinning. I am so glad I wasn’t around any of them when they told me about this.

On other news, I can officially call my self “unemployed” now. Haha, like its some big achievement. The fact that I am unemployed hasn’t really gotten to me as yet, but I am eager to start working. One of my classmates, who hasn’t passed in so many subjects and is still writing backlogs got placed with a well known company here!!! Life’s so unfair !

Its funny how I decided to check my blog and post today. Just a few minutes back I had a very weird and disturbing conversation with a cousin. Nothing gross, really, he was just asking about a lot of family related stuff, and telling me stuff about himself, which I don’t wanna hear or care about. At the end of the conversation, for some weird reason, I felt sick to my stomach. Weird. I know.

I thought things would get better, things would change, but they haven’t.

I don’t know what I’m looking for anymore. I don’t know what I want. I am at yet another crossroad in my life. On one hand, I really want to stay back, stay here and live the life that I’ve always wanted to. On the other hand, I wanna go back, get a job, earn a decent amount, and support my family in some way or the other. Not that they expect me to do that, or really want me to. But, I want to. I feel I need to. It only makes sense. I’ve literally splurged with every bit of my dad’s hard earned money, it only seems right to do this right now.

Thing’s seem to have changed here, or maybe its just me. I keep expecting a lot when I come here. But…I don’t know, I guess its just me. To make things worse, I really miss PI. He was the second person I spoke to, after BFF Ri that is. He was at the movies. We spoke for less than a minute. He had said he would call me later. That never happened. Four days have passed, and I haven’t heard from him even once. Its the weekend, he must be busy, with his friends, girlfriend, other things that are obviously more important. But its killing me. I’m so used to hearind my phone ringing, playing “Iris” by Goo Goo Dolls, often when I’m here that, when it doesnt happen, I feel so lost. Like I have no purpose anymore, like I have nothing to look forward to…..

I’ve been reading the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer lately. I fell in LOVE with the movie. Had to get the books. Started reading the first one last night, now I’ve reached the second book – New Moon. I think I may just finish all four of them in four days flat. Read these books have pulled me down so much that my mom’s started noticing it. Not a good sign, but I just have to finish them.

The thought of not having anything to do after I finish these books is scaring me.

Time alone, time to think, has never done me any good…

Yesterday was PI’s birthday. He turned 28 yesterday. He doesn’t celebrate his birthday anymore. Since his mom passed away that’s one of the many things he stopped.

I’ve known that for the past 5 years. But yesterday at 12 am I left him a message to wish him. I got delivered much later. Guess he had switched off his phone. At aroudn 8 the same evening I called him up. He cut my call. I called back after a while thinking he would have been busy then. He picked up we spoke for 46 seconds. He ended the call thanking me.

I spoke to him online a while back. He went to tell me that I didn’t have to call and asked me if I knew that he doesn’t celebrate anymore and also that his girlfriend was surprised to see him pick up my call when he usually doesnt pick up calls on his birthday.

I didn’t call him to go against something he believed in. It was his birthday and I just wanted to talk. It had been a while since I last spoke to him on the phone. I just wanted to talk. Birthday was a good reason.

But I think I upset him. And that hurts. The last thing I wanted to do was pull someone down on their birthday. Especially him.

How I wish everything weren’t so complicated.

• Firstly, I got myself into a sticky situation between BFF and ex BF :-/
• It took one night of crying, and two nights of apologising to fix that..
• ..the latter was not done by me !
• Issues with ex BF continue..
• Its weird still being friends..and maintaining that, specially when only one of us is in a relationship now..
• Its weird, refering to PI as ex BF
• We had yet another disagreement today.
• I just gave into all the pressure finally..wonder what he’ll have to say tomorrow…
• I’ve realised over the past few months how hard it is to remain friends with him and still maintain that
• It just feels so wrong at time..’cause we are clearly more than friends…you don’t say the kind of things he says to me if you are just frineds
• I even talked to him about it..but he just doesn’t get it and thinks its perfectly fine…
• Maybe when the time comes..I will have to put an end to it……

Almost a year back, PI put down his papers at work, on ethical grounds. There was an issue regarding another person, he felt that person was wrongly accused, voiced his opinion in front of top management. They refused to take back what they had done and believed they were right. He couldn’t get himself to continue to work there, so he put down his papers. Mind you, he was good at what he did, a valued employee, at the verge of a big promotion, but nothing would change his mind.

My first reaction when I heard this, ” Are you crazy?!?!?”. Okay, that was more in my head than out in words. I guess with time I got where this came from, knowing him, I’m not surprised he did something like this. I even got to a point where I actually thought he was really courageous to stand up for what he believed in and do something as drastic as this.

My Ethics text book put things into percpective for me.

Areas of Influence/Authority and Areas of Interest. Yep, as simple as that! Areas of Influnce or Authority are those areas in which you have actual control over whereas Areas of interest is as it says the area of interest that you do not have control over. When it comes to ethical issues within your area of influence/authority you can make sure that the problems are handled keeping in mind ethics to your fullest ability. And when it comes to issues in your area interest, there is not much you can do, it is out of your control. The least you can do is report an issue to higher authorities and hope they take actions keeping in mind the ethical aspect, but more often than not what you want is not what you will get. Trying to change things that out of your control or reach can only lead to frustration and taking a drastic step as putting down your papers, is just plain stupid.

Okay, maybe that is a bit too harsh. But really, in todays world the most you can do is to make sure that you conduct your self and everything under your control ethically, and hopefully it will rub off on others. Hopefully.