Subliminal Chaos
Every Silver Lining Has a Dark Cloud Covering It

Feeling better…

…But it took a lot to get there…

I had written my previous post past midnight (around 1.30 am), on Saturday. I went to bed a while later. I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened. I was feeling miserable. Could’nt get myself to sleep, couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to talk to someone, but didn’t know who to call at that hour. Only one person kept coming to my mind on and off, but I couldn’t get myself to call him. It felt wrong. Time went by, it was past 3am, and I still couldnt get myself to stop crying. Out of desperation and whateverelse, I didn’t call him, but I sent him a mail. I needed to know this was ok, that what I was doing was not wrong, so I mailed him. I felt better. A weird sense of calm had come upon me. The last I checked the time was around 3.40am, next thing I remember is waking up around 12pm the next afternoon, with swollen eyes and a bad headache.

PI, friend, former boyfriend, someone I’ve talked about here and here, is the person I reached out to. He is one person who comes to my mind when I’m happy and when I’m sad. He was one person I could talk to about anything and everything. After everything that has happened over the past one year or so, I really needed to be around someone I could really trust, someone who understands me, someone who would listen to me and not judge. I reached out to PI, and I felt horrible about it, really, I didn’t want to barge into his life after two whole years, especially since I know he had moved on and is seeing someone else. But I didn’t know what else to do, I had no options. Best friend Ri (also mentioned here), has been busy and has a lot going on for her, I didn’t want to bother her, and also, somehow I felt she wouldn’t understand, ’cause the only person who really knows me, knows me inside out, is PI.

Sunday afternoon and I check my e-mail, no response. I didn’t think to much of it, its the weekend, people are busy. Sunday evening, and still no response, I think maybe he’s thinking about what to say, or doesn’t know how to respond, or doesn’t want to respond. Sunday, around 8pm, I get his reply. He said the things I expected him to say, he always knew the right things to say. Two hours later I was chatting with him and the conversation went on for 3 hours.

He listened, he understood, he sympathised, gave advice where required. It felt right, I felt grateful. I felt good, I felt light. Finally.

We talked about everything, not just me, but everything. We caught up on everything that had happened in our individual lifes over ther past two years. He talked about his girlfriend, and I felt happy for him, really felt happy for him, which surprised me, ’cause I thought I would be all bitter, but no, I felt alright.

I’ve been longing for a friend for so long, and I finally got back the same one I had given up few years back. I was happy he had understood why things turned out the way they did two years back, he welcomed me with open arms right back into his life.

I was feeling miserable and I reached out, and I’m glad I did. I have found my friend.. *touchwood*

Monday morning, I get back to college. I had decided (with PI’s help) that I wouldn’t make a big fuss about the whole situation, let people take undue advantage of my vulnerability. I went back and spoke to everyone, including both RK and AM. But I guess I didn’t do too good a job of it, they noticed something had changed. RK asked me what had happened. I was trying to make zero-eye contact with him. I’ve always felt he’d know just what’s on my mind if he just looked right into my eyes. We didnt have many classes so we were all together mostly, thankfully I didn’t have to speand any alone time with him. At one point of time, he asked me, yet again, what was on my mind, I just told him I was sleepy, which I was! And he went on to say,

” well if anything’s bothering you, please tell me, whatever your problem is, I’m sure its nothing compared to my problems, you have no idea what kinda situation I’m stuck in”

I wanted to say a lot of things right then, but I held back. I knew the situation he was talking about, I wanted to laugh, really, or maybe curse at him, I dunno. But I just looked away. He didn’t seem to notice, or care. I left early and that was the end of that. Later in the evening he sent me a text message, trying to make conversation. I’m not a big fan of small talk, after a while I just stopped, he didn’t seem to notice, or care, yet again.

I don’t know how things are going to be, now onwards. But I know one thing, I will never make the mistake of getting emotionally attached to any of these people, ever again.

I’m just waiting to finish with this course and get my butt back to Namma Bengalooru , go back to people I can relate to.

5 Responses to “Feeling better…”

  1. Read all of your posts; liked them; will follow now on;

  2. hope it works out … remember u have to look out for urself first at all times even if ur close to people

  3. @ uncensoredmind
    i hope this works out too…im almost in the verge of givin up all together…

  4. […] just talking to PI, online. Something about the old days came up and then he mentioned his girl friend, within the […]

  5. […] the period during which I was most active on this blog. All I could think of doing was post, vent, reach out to people, seek advice, update and document every detail […]

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