Subliminal Chaos
Every Silver Lining Has a Dark Cloud Covering It

Things have not really gotten better…

…and I’m not really surprised…

Going to college is nothing but torture. Thanks to the fact that its miles away from the city and that I don’t drive, I’m stuck in college till there’s some bus to drop me back home. Thats either at 1 or and 3, and mostly I can never make it at 3, which means I’m stuck and with all the wrong people. Its hell really. Watching how things have changed, right infront of my eyes, day in and day out. It hurts.

AM is the girl I stuck with from the very begining. No matter what happened, no matter what she did, whether it was right or wrong, I have stuck with her. She was never comfortable with the other people in our class and I always went out of my way to help her feel right at home. I always put her interests before mine. She didn’t want to go somewhere, we didn’t go there, she didn’t want to be around certain people, we did everything possible to avoid such situations.

This year, things changed. She is now comfortable with everyone in class. Her sister is in the batch that joined this year as our junior. She’s very comfortable with the people in that class, I’m not. In college, we all hang out together, and I’m usually completely left out. I’m not uptodate on the gossip of that class, so mostly I have no clue they are talking about. Even when we plan to hang out outside of college, these people are invited, whether I like it or not, and the same condition continues, even though I’m out and supposed to have fun, I feel everything but that. Not that I expect her to behvae with me the same way I did with her, and be so giving, but am I wrong in expecting some kind of consideration? some amount of effort in making me feel a little more comfortable around these people? I think not.

AM and RK were my best friends in class. One girl, one guy. First year, these two people didn’t look at each other eye to eye. There have been more than one time when RK has made life hell for AM. Through it all I’ve been there to support AM. Eventhough RK and I were friends, I made sure AM was always comfortable. Now that she is comfortable with him, I have seen situations where she’s chosen him over me. And no it’s not just a figment of my imagination, people have noticed this too. AM has always had problem with Rk interfering in her life, now she’s openly letting it happen.

RK used to confide in me before, talk to me before, everyday, in college, on the phone, online. He doesn’t anymore. One fine day, it just all stopped. He talks to me in college, more like formality really. But I’d rather have him not talk to me, ’cause when he does, he says those very things that really hurt me. The other day I was a little busy working on and assignment for my major (AM is in a different major), and I didn’t have the time or patience to entertain AM, and her sister and her new friends were busy too, and she starts crying and cribbing sayin that I have stopped talkin to her and that I have changed and that I talk to everyone properly but her. And all this she doesnt tell me, she tells her sister and her new friends. I notice everything, but choose not to pay attention. After everything that has been going on, and the way things have changed this year, I’ve been making a conscious effort to try and still talk to these people, I really didn;t want to, but I had to, but still she goes and makes me look like the bitch in all this. Her crankiness had nothing to do with me, if her sister and friends were there she wouldnt have even noticed I was not talking or whatever, but since she was alone, she did, and a few hours later she was fine and it again had nothing to do with me, she became alright after spending sometime with them.

After everything I do for these people, I’m made out to be the bitch. I’m sure her sister and her friends would have heard a lot about me, a lot of bad things I’m sure. And it bothers me, really bothers me.

PI has been nice to me about the whole thing. But at times, when he tells me all these nice things, like he’s be there for me and so on and so forth, it bothers me. I have heard that one too many times over the past year, and they’ve all turned their backs on me. I don’t think PI will do that to me, actually I’m sure he won’t, but at times, the way he talks to me, he seems very withdrawn, at times even disinterested. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but I’m having a hard time trusting anyone.

I still feel lost, and lonely. Maybe I don’t cry to bed everyday, but I still feel very lonely. I keep running over every conversation I”ve had with thes people, every incident, evrything. It drives me crazy. And in a small way, I’m scared, scared that I may do something wrong, to myself, or otherwise, ’cause lately that’s all that’s going on in my head.

Every silver lining has a dark cloud covering it, that’s all I can see now.

4 Responses to “Things have not really gotten better…”

  1. uve got to try and do some stuff on ur own. depending on people whether they were/are friends, can sometimes bite u in the ass and when it does uve just got to do ur own thing and take care of urself.

    try to be positive and take 1 day at a time

  2. i’ve been in a similar situation and know somewhat how you feel. have you told your friends how you feel about this? sometimes they can be totally clueless like that. otherwise, you could try doing things on your own as uncensoredmind suggested. it won’t be fun without your friend(s) at first, but at least you’re making a conscious effort to experiment new things on your own and sometimes good things can come out of that. :)

    if all fails, well… the blog is still here, huh? ;)

  3. thanks for ur comment, sulz :)
    and yes, like u said, if all fails the blog’s all i have…..

  4. […] during which I was most active on this blog. All I could think of doing was post, vent, reach out to people,┬áseek advice, update and document every detail […]

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