Subliminal Chaos
Every Silver Lining Has a Dark Cloud Covering It


The last two days have been disappointing to say the least.

Yesterday I was talking to my friend of almost 17 years. I’ve known her forever and she was my “fat buddy”. We were always the chubby ones in school. Unlike my family, her’s was always on the heavier said which was probably why she was always a little “bigger” than I was. I didn’t ever make any difference to me…until yesterday.

My fat buddy finally started working out and has lost a lot of weight and now is 12 kgs lighter than. And this has left me feeling horrible about myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely happy for her. It was about time she took matters into her hand and did something about the weight problem. But what bothers me is that, I let myself get this far. I was her present weight a year back, had lost around 13kgs to get there. But with so much going on the personal front, I quit the gym and before I knew it, I was back to square one.

I’ve been hiting the gym again. Its been three weeks now and instead of loosing weight, I’ve put on like 0.6kgs! And the worst part is, I hate going to the gym. I have no driver or motivation. Looking back, it was quite easy loosing those 13 kilos then. I was going through a lot on the personal front and I had weird sleep and food patterns, hardly ate, lost my appetite completely. But now, nothing like that. I cant get myself to eat any else. I have 3meals and a snack everyday. I don’t know what to do…

To make things worse, today I went for interview #4. And I was questionned about everything I was hoping I wouldn’t be. This reminded me about a post I had written a while back where I had said…

10th grade was an eye opener.

12th grade was a disaster.

Bachelor’s was a comprise.

Masters, a big step, one which I took too hastily and without much thought.

I remember thinking to myself that I hope the decisions I had taken would never work against me. Now I realise that it has been working against me all this while, I only needed someone to come and tell me that to my face to pt things into  percpective.

With the educational background I have along with the fact that I do not drive is totally working against me. I don’t know how long it is going to take for me to actually figure out what I am supposed to be doing with my life…

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